for all clergy husbands

A while back a small number of men from CucumberSandwiches, the online community of clergy-husbands and ministers-men, met up more by good fortune than any real planning. Late in the night, after stories of doorstep challenges and fêtes worse than death the big question arose; “Why did we do it?”

So we can celebrate the fact that although stipends are still lowly, parishioners expectations of what clergy spouses are permitted to do beyond the business of Church, have certainly changed. Just as well. Society today is probably wealthier, and more materialistic than it ever has been, and to be willingly poor is probably the ultimate perversity.

We decided to sell up and use the equity to buy a bolt-hole near to my wife's eventual first curacy. But then the property boom really took off, and our dreams of a peaceful 2-bedroomed bolt-hole somewhere nearby diminished to cosy coal-bunker.
"What about Brittany?" asked a friend.

It is one of those oft bandied psychological statistics that, in terms of stress, moving house is almost akin to a death. But the churches have a small advantage, in that they've been bouncing vicars around parishes for many years and may well have learnt something from this history.

From 1994 to 2000 I lived in a vicarage basement in Earl's Court (originally where the servants lived) sharing with various lay assistants. There were a group of regular callers, mainly with mental health issues, who came for a chat, tea (or the worst - two heaped tea spoons of coffee in cold water) and cheese sandwiches.

Moving house is one of the most stressful times for us grown-ups; and we're supposed to have a raft of experiences and cognitive skills to draw upon. We may focus on practicalities and so make a link into our new place, our children can be swept along with no sense of control or ownership over the relocation. Instead they can focus, or even obsess, over the losses that they imagine they will encounter.

Maternity leave has a lot to be said for it, and the model of greater flexibility for both mothers and fathers that we have in the UK is being adopted by the CofE. It remains though that maternity leave is time given to adjust to great changes; couples become families and families are rearranged. This is not an easy thing, but is so worthwhile. A sensitive dad needs to be aware of these structural changes in the family and respond in kind, so as to provide a bedrock for the family while remaining sane himself.

"She doesn't need our support; she's got her husband" (:frown:) Suzanne may not have heard those exact words to date, but on more than one occasion this theme has been apparent in the silence that enshrines the curate's house once she has retired wounded from a difficult day. But whereas the more traditional model of male curate and wedded spouse might have solicited a less reluctant stream of enquirers, the model of a 'home dad' and children such as ours seems to draw the response "we'll give her some space to be with her family..." This of course is a most worthy and kind response, but...

It may come as a bit of a surprise but clergy husbands - or at least apostle husbands - are perhaps not an entirely new phenomenon. Part of the social order into which the early church worked did require its women to be married, or widowed, to be of social standing. There were exceptions, like Philip's daughters who remained unmarried to spread the gospel (Acts 21:8&9), but the majority of these influential women seem to have had husbands.